March is Over – April is in

So my computer died. Thats fun.

We don’t have any decent computers at home right now with the exception of my mothers laptop. And even hers is slowly dying.

So the lack of posts is due to that. Believe me, I have so many posts written in my head I just havent been near a computer lately. (I am actually babysitting right now, but the little boy went up to bed, so I am using their computer.

Okay, so March was kind of a fun challenge. It was to take a picture a day. It sounds concieted but there was a point behind it. It was to build some of my self-confidence and develope a better self-image. ..and it kind of worked. Now like I promised I will post these pics up at some point, but I don’t know when I will be able to. Anyways I was sending my sister ugly picture texts one night and the funny thing is that I didn’t hate these pictures. I thought they were hilarious and some of them were kind of cute. It was weird at first. I was trying to make them really ugly faces, but they still kept coming out half decent. My hair and makeup were cute and I was wearing my glasses.

This month I am trying something really hard. I am trying to go to bed at a decent time and wake up earlier.

My sleeping is pretty messed up. I usually need around 10-12 hours of sleep personally to feel rested. I know that may sound like a lot, but thats what my body needs. Everyone is different. Anyways, normally I go to bed around 2am and wakeup around 12/noon.

My goal this month is to figure out a better routine and sleep better. Quality sleep. Mornings never used to be a problem for me. Infact for a long time, I woke up at 520 for a 6am shift. I always always feel more productive in the morning.

The reason this gets hard for me is because of my situation right now. I don’t have anything to do in the mornings. I dont have anything driving me. I would wake up and be bored for a few hours before going into work, or babysitting..or be bored for the whole day. It’s just more conveinent for me to sleep in so the day is shorter so I don’t lose my fucking marbles with nothing to do.

So I am going to try establishing a night and morning routine. Sleeping earlier at night, reading before bed etc. My goal is 11-9 or there abouts. Some nights maybe 10-8. Hopefully I will be able to stick to it. Thursday I was up at 820 to go to moncton with my mumma and today I woke up at 8 because I was going to the mall for an art assignment.

So this week is going to be semi-busy for me. I have work monday and tuesday and friday. Monday night is going to be weird not having HIMYM on. I am going to TRY to get some more posts written so I can publsih them through my phone this week, but I make no promises.

❤ xoxo

The year of Winter

Winter has been here for literally 6 months. 6 motherfuckingmonths.

I am so done with winter it’s not even funny. This wednesday we had a pretty intense storm. We got about 50cm of snow in about 12 hours.

I work at the grocery store here in town and it is so freaking amusing to work the night before a storm. People act like the end of the world is near. We sold out of water jugs in two hours, and by the end of the night we only had 15 loafs of bread left. We made over 500 that morning. Let that sink in. It was one of the busiest nights I have seen there yet. It was crowded and every cash was open and people were rushing around like they had never been to a grocery store before. It was highly entertaining.

It was like if Christmas and the end of the world were both happening tomorrow and people had to spend the entire rest of their money before the end of the night because they werent going to live past the storm.

The storm started around midnight that night. It wasnt too too bad until 2pm Wednesday afternoon though, and then it just hit us all at once. It was a whiteout for the majority of the day. My father, who is always at work, came home at 1:30 and spent the day with us. We were wrapped up in blankets watching The Hunger Games 1 and 2 in the livingroom for the majority of the day. Outside our window, you couldn’t see across the street.

In between the two movies Mum, Dad, and I got up to go for a smoke. The side door by our laundry room had been blown open and that entire back area was covered in snow. We had to shovel it out. It was kind of insane. We locked all of our doors and made some dinner.

That night we had survivor and we all kind of went off to do our own thing after that. By 1am, the storm was still going although it had definitely calmed down some. The snow was waist high by our garage doors. Well Dad had an exam thursday morning and Mum had to take Kathryn out early for an appt. So I did the crazy.

I went out at 2am when the storm had finally stopped and I shovelled our driveway. A double driveway with waist high snow at 2am. And atleast 10 cars with plows on the front passed. Did even one stop? Nope. Jerks.

Ok, I didnt really expect them to, but it would have been nice.

Yesterday I spent the day sleeping in and then not really doing much of anything. Today I am up and out. I have some precursor stuff to get done for a project I am working on, and then an interview with a family to potentially babysit for. I work this weekend, both days and then next week I have some fun stuff to do. I am probably going to Moncton at some point with Mumma for some shopping and then her writeres group starts on thursday at the Library. If you are in the KV area, you should stop by and join us.

The end of the month is quickly approaching and I gotta say, I am looking forward to some better weather come April. I don’t know if I can handle anymore stupid winter.

 

Thats all for now. Thanks

❤ xoxo

The one with the first kiss.

My first kiss on stage:
I was 13. I was doing “the clumsy custard horror show. I was kissing a 17 year old boy who every girl swooned over. I literally can’t pick out a single girl in the cast who didn’t have a crush on him and yet, nothing about kissing him made me happy. I didn’t have a crush on him.

My first kiss not on stage:
I was 12. It was a girl and we were close friends. She was straight. I thought I was too. One day we were in my room talking about boys and kissing and we decided to “practice” with each other. I didn’t like her either. She was a friend and nothing more. It wasn’t very good. The next week and a half we went around singing “I kissed a girl by Katy Perry” like it was the funniest thing in the world and assumed that nobody knew why it was so funny.

My first kiss with someone I liked:
I was 14. I was sleeping over at my best friends house. I was out as gay. She knew I liked her. She was not out. She had a boyfriend. We were watching Saw 2. She kissed me first. It wasn’t our last kiss.

My first kiss with someone I loved:
I was 15. Almost 16. We were at the park with my younger sister. We were sitting on the picnic table and we went in at the same time. My sister didn’t see anything. It was the first first kiss that went well.

My second first kiss with someone I loved:
We had this running joke that we had three first kisses because of the situation. The second first kiss we had was after she broke up with someone. She came over to the house and we were sitting in my room. She kissed me. It took me by surprise but I let it happen. I really liked her.

My third first kiss with the person I liked:
It was two weeks after we told each other not to fall for one another. It was her birthday. It was before work. It was what started our relationship. It was 4 months after our last first kiss.

My first kiss with a girl I met online:
It was the beginning of this year. I went to her house and we were watching tv and eating. She got up to get another slice of pizza. I told her to wait and come back. I was on my knees on her bed and she was standing. I kissed her first. It was a good kiss.

The one where I am full of shit.

So yesterday I woke up in excruciating pain. I couldn’t sit up in my bed until mum brought an ice pack down. I could barely walk. And we had no idea what was wrong.
I had just finished a period, so it couldn’t be cramps. I hadn’t done any heavy lifting so that ruled out pulling a muscle and I had been pooping regularly.
I called into work and tried to rest for the day. By the afternoon it got really bad so mum took me to the hospital.
We were worried it was a hernia or a burst cyst or something.
I hate hospitals. Hate them. I really didn’t want to go but I was in a lot of pain.
So we got to the hospital and it was actually pretty busy there yesterday. It took just under two hours to get into acute care and we saw my doctor 25 minutes later. (He was a ginger with an accent and that made me smile.) We went through the regular questions “where is the pain, any change in pee or bowel movements, last menstrual cycle,” etc and then he asked if I was pregnant and I said no chance. He mumbled like “oh is it, do you use protection or..” And before he even finished his sentence I blurted out “I’m gay” so matter of fact-ly that my mother had to actually laugh out loud. He stopped in his tracks and said “right” in his lovely accent.
“Gay people can get pregnant too”
My inner monologue said “yes Sherlock I know. But not without planning and donation and if I say I’m not pregnant because I’m gay I’m not pregnant. It won’t happen by accident. And I’m 18. How many lesbian 18 year olds do you know who plan on getting pregnant?” Along with a whole bunch of laughter.

The rest of the night was a lot of waiting. I had blood taken (after an absolute break down freak out. So out of the blue because I’m normally fine with needles.) and an X-ray.

By midnight they ruled out all of the serious problems and sent me home. I got medication for my pain, diagnosed with an intestinal blockage. I am home for a few days until the pain becomes more manageable but it was an interesting night for sure.

Sleeping sucks but only because it hurts to lay down, but it’s late and I’m going to try to get some rest.
Sleep well everyone.

❤ xoxo

The Diva Cup: Review

http://divacup.com/

So a year or two ago, I bought a Diva Cup at my local health store. This product had been highly recommended for me. I wasn’t able to use it because I wasn’t menstruating, so it stayed in its baggy for quite some time.

Now that I have my period back I have used my Diva Cup for two cycles and I have some pros and cons.

First off, I have to say I love this product. For just $50 (the price differs from store to store, some you can find for only $30.) I have used this for nearly 15 days of menstruation. I could have gone through easily 3 boxes of tampons during that or $30. This product has already almost paid for itself. Aaand, you will never have the fear of running out. No more “oh shit” moments when you realize you don’t have any tampons or pads left. The way the cup is made (with silicone; making it durable and reusable) also makes this a very green product. You are helping the environment, one period at a time by not disposing of so many tampons and pads.

Second, it is incredibly hygienic and there is no risk of tss (toxic shock syndrome) because the blood is not held pressed against your cervix, instead it flows naturally into the cup. Also, you don’t have to have cotton up your who-ha drying you out.

You aren’t putting unnatural chemicals into your body. Look it up. Seriously. It’s crazy what is put into feminine hygiene products. The Diva Cup is made of non toxic, health certified silicone. (The website explains how its made better.)

It’s nicer for others. I don’t say this is a period shaming way, or that your period should be something to be embarrassed about, however using the cup just makes the bathroom a little more sanitary during your cycle. You don’t have to worry about wrapping up discarded tampons or pads. This means guests or roommates have no need to know when you’re on your period. (Unless, of course you have cramps like a bitch like I do, in which case everyone knows.) And we all know that sometimes these products can get a bit smelly when they have been exposed to air for too long. The lack of ‘garbage’ with this product is also very convenient if you have pets who like to get into the garbage. Can we just say gross??

Something that is both a pro and a con for me is the comfort side of it. If you insert it properly (which definitely takes some practice.) you can’t feel it and there is absolutely no leakage. Because the vagina is a muscular canal, and the cup is soft silicone they mold together and you can barely feel it. Also, you don’t have to worry about it while you are exercising or during sports because of the seal it makes. However, taking it out can be slightly painful. It is easy to accidently pinch your labia while removing the cup. Also, because it has a wide opening, sometimes it ‘pops’ when you take it out which can be uncomfortable. The stem may be uncomfortable for some people depending on the length, but these can be cut down to size to make it more comfortable.

The cup comes in different sizes for different people! You can use this product even if you’ve never used tampons before, and it doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or you’ve given birth. You can get the size that matches your body.

The cup facilitates understanding your cycle and body in a way that is not possible with pads and tampons.  The cup has marks so that you can measure how much flow you’ve had on a given day, which can be quite surprising. It also helps to be able to visibly determine if there are changes in your flow. (Some of which may be something to bring to your gyno, for example if there are excessive clots or if it changes in colour during one cycle.) These are things that are hard to see with tampons or pads because the blood is absorbed and it is also exposed to air.

You don’t have to remove it to go to the restroom. Okay, I know you didn’t have to remove a tampon to go to the restroom either, but with the cup, you don’t have to worry about the wet string. Also, you don’t have to worry about it being too saturated and leaking after going for a swim or taking a bath (like you do with tampons.) It was a little uncomfortable to have bowl movements at first because I was afraid I was going to push it out, but if you work on your kegels, this isn’t an issue at all.

You don’t have to change it as often. A Diva Cup holds one fluid ounce of blood. An average woman bleeds about 1-1.4 ounces during her entire cycle. Normally tampons and pads have to be changed four to six times daily, whereas the cup only has to be changed twice (or once every twelve hours).

CONS

There is a learning curve. When you first start using the cup, it takes a few practice tries to get the fold right, get it comfortably inserted and make sure the seal is correct. It is inserted differently than a pad, and you have to fold and turn it to get it properly placed. This takes some time to master. HOWEVER, because it isn’t cotton, you can practice this while you are not on your period and it is no less comfortable to remove than if you were on it, where  as dry tampons are a bitch to remove. (And no mess.) It also comes with a user guide on how to insert it properly and you can definitely ask your gyno or gp to show you on a diagram how to use it properly.

Washing it. The logistics of washing the cup is a bit difficult because you have to get off the toilet and wash it with warm water and soap before reinserting it. This can be a challenge on your heavier flow days. Currently, I just take some bunched up toilet paper and put that in place while I wash it, although I still worry about that falling. Im sure this would be easier if you had a sink close to the toilet where you didn’t have to get up. This also makes it not cleanable in public restrooms(at least with stalls). The site says to wipe it clean with some toilet paper and wash it when next convenient but it still is a little odd.

It can be messy. Ok mostly this happens when you’re still learning to use it, however because the blood is pooling instead of becoming saturated, it can definitely spill onto your hand. It also hits the toilet bowl when you remove it, which may mean using the toilet brush a little more often, which is more of a nuisance than anything else. Honestly, this isn’t a huge problem, because you can easily wash your hands. It just may be icky for some people.

TIPS

When you’re just learning to use the cup, keep some pads on hand incase it doesn’t open and seal, because this may cause leakage.

When removing the cup, you may want to use your pelvic muscles to ‘push’ it out slightly before you pull. This helps the tab become closer to the opening of the vagina so you don’t have to stick your fingers way up there. It also will make removing it more comfortable.

When you’re putting it in, a trick is to turn it when its half way in and then push it farther, rather than turning it when its fully in. This creates a seal and its easier to turn.

On heavy days, I would change it every 5-7 hours rather than every 8-10 hours like regular days. A fuller cup feels a bit heavier which can get slightly uncomfortable. Even still, the shortest time between changing on my heaviest days are far longer than the longest I can go with tampons on normal days. This product is quite worth it.

Diva Cup is an amazing company as well, who teams up with many other organizations to promote period pride, and help women everywhere. Some of these organizations include Plan International, Sexpressions, and Vitamin Angels.

I am really happy with this product. I give it a 4.5 out of 5 for feminine hygiene products.

❤ xoxo

Being extraordinarily average: The disadvantages of not being fat, but not skinny.

My body is in between the skinny-fat average. I am slightly on the heavier side, but I still fall in the middle. I am pretty healthy, eating pretty well. We all have our slip up days, but I am working on getting better at controlling those. Regardless, I would say I am content with my body. I mean, I look good in clothes and I don’t really get a lot of body hate from people because I am average. So fat shaming or skinny shaming doesn’t come my way. (It shouldn’t go anybody’s way, but that’s for another day.)

1) The “You are/look so skinny!” comment.

Hold on, do I actually look skinny? Or are you just amazed that I look good? I haven’t lost any weight. Do I look better in this picture/outfit than I do normally? You don’t tell skinny people they look skinny. Are you actually complementing me or is this something you’re saying just so I can feel better about myself.

2) Eating with people.

Say you’re at a restaurant with some people you’re not close with. People you just started to get to know. Co workers, acquaintances etc. You scan the menu and see a lot of things that make you want to have sex with, i.e. pizza, pasta, a burger with fries. Your inner skinny voice is telling you to get a salad. Your inner fat voice is begging you to get the fries. But what is everyone else getting? What if no one else gets a big meal? What if they all get salads. You can’t be the fat one who gets carbs. Whatever. You’re getting poutine with extra gravy salad. You’ll probably have a snack when you get home anyways. It’s fine.

3) Friends on either side of the spectrum.

Of course, being in the middle, I have had skinny friends and heavier friends. Sometimes the comments I have received from my friends make my head spin. Like I have to pick whether I am representing heavier women or lighter women.

Comments from heavier friends: “OMG, you’re not allowed to say you have cellulite.” “You’re the perfect size, not gross skinny but not too huge.” “You can eat like all the bread you want!” (No. I can’t.) “At least you have boobs, unlike those skinny girls.” “At least you can find clothing in your size!” (Which is actually harder than it seems for the middle ground.)

Comments from lighter friends: “You’re not fat, you’re more like a pin up girl.” (This is bad compliment.) “You’re a ‘real’ woman.” “You dress so well for your size.” “You carry your weight nicely.”

I don’t ‘carry’ weight. I just am. Comments like this make me question whether skinny/fat shaming exist or if its just body shaming no matter what your type is.

4) Buying Jeans

Ok, why are different stores completely different size scales? I could be a 14/15 in one store and have to jump to a 18/20 in a different store. And why do you have to stare me down while I am in your store, like you know I wont fit into anything here. I am not fat.

One time, I was shopping in a retail store for a nice shirt(for an event.) and I was over in the petite section because every now and then, I can fit into a petite large. The sales woman came over and said to me “You know you’re in the petite section right?” I was fuming.

5) Wondering what others refer to you as.

Just because you’re comfortable with your weight doesn’t mean others feel the same. Don’t tell me you don’t wonder what others think of you. We all do it. Everyone.

So does the cute girl at the counter think I am skinny? Does she think I’m just average or am I a gross fat ass? What number are you on the world famous ‘1-10 scale’. You’re never going to know, because even if you ask someone they won’t tell you (the truth.) At least you’re never going to know if its the truth or not because you can’t even give yourself a number on the scale. You just don’t know.

6) Taking your cover-up off at the beach.

You don’t want to bend over in a bikini; people might see your tummy roll! I guess you could just wear a one piece, but you’re not wearing a one piece because You’re Not Fucking Fat. And of course you’re only thinking of your exposed stomach throughout the entire trip so you don’t actually enjoy yourself. Trying to stay in the water or with a towel wrapped around you for the entire time you’re there.

I am aware that for the most part, this is where my body is going to stay for the rest of my life. It is very difficult for me to lose weight, but I also probably wont gain much more if I consider my current life style. And that’s fine with me. I wont ever be ‘skinny’ and I wont ever be ‘fat’. This post was inspired by another post on the web and has some overlap. All opinions are my own.

❤ xoxo

Help

I don’t know who reads this, but I need some help.

The last two weeks, I have been hit really hard with poor moods.

I haven’t been able to snap out of this feeling that I am completely stuck.

I have not had a social interaction since January 4th, and before that was before we moved.

I am not working nearly enough to get me out of the house.

I have no money because I am not working, so I can’t even go out to meet people where one normally would.

I am tired of not having my own room and my apartment is still not even closed to finished.

And I need some help.

So please, if you are reading this, do not be shy to say hello. Comment or email me or something.

Because I need to know that other people still exist in this world and that I am not completely alone.

Im sorry I haven’t been posting barely at all, but I don’t have anything exciting to post about.

My life is static right now. I need that to change.

March – thank god.

So march is officially here and I couldn’t be happier. I don’t know about you guys but February seemed to drag on for me. Which is ironic considering the fact that its the shortest month of the year. I don’t know if it was the shitty weather, or the fact that I knew spring was literally around the corner. I will say though, that as much as this months challenge was difficult, it was so worth it.

I will start by saying through the entire month of February I only twice had drinks that were not water. Once because it was the fifth day of the month, I had spent the day at the hospital with my mum and we got fast food on the way home. Being it was so early in the month I forgot and got a pop, but every other time I went out to eat I got a water bottle. The second was because the last week of this challenge was difficult and I had a half a pop to tide me over. LOL

I also lost 5lbs since mid January and I don’t know if this has something to do with drinking only water or something else entirely but that made me smile.

The thing I wanted to talk about though is something I realized during this challenge. And that was this last challenge was totally and completely keep-able. Like I could totally see myself drinking primarily water and keeping pops and juices to a minimum. It wasn’t terrible and I felt so good about keeping up with this one. Like, everything in moderation, right? I used to drink SO MUCH pop and juice and I don’t miss it. Like every now and then I miss it and I just want a pop like right now, but 90% of the time I don’t. This is the first month that I have seen the challenge I picked last. And hopefully I have some good ones planned that will last too.

So, march is upon us and with that means a new challenge. This months challenge is to take 2 new photo’s each day. One of myself; encouraging myself to feel beautiful, giving me a reason to actually look presentable everyday and to uplift my self confidence and the second picture of something unique or that I find beautiful. I am going to upload these at the end of the month, and I haven’t decided yet whether or not I will do it video or photo album style. I think this is going to be a good one too because it will mean getting dressed and going out everyday or at least putting effort into my appearance, which to be perfectly honest, has not been on my top priorities lately.

Side note – the tiny chickens are trying to invade, and I am quite angrily trying to disinterest them. Hopefully they don’t take over.

Also, I am doing something very special and secretive right now! I can’t tell you yet, but look forward to a hopefully special announcement in a few months! Woot!

 

❤ xoxo

Boobs with hats

God, I haven’t posted on here in forever!

Ok, so its been just over a week and I have gone far longer without posting, but I was trying so hard to post more frequently and I was doing ok with it! 😦 My life just isn’t exciting.

Soo, last night mum and I were in the living room. Our couches are set up in a square shape, so she is lying on the back couch and I am on the love seat to the left. kinda like that with the tv on the open side. Anyways.

Mum looks over at me and says my boobs look good in my shirt tonight. Of course, flattered by the compliment I showed her which bra I was wearing (it was a super push-upy bra that doesn’t quite fit me properly). Then she says

“From this angle, it looks like you have little Olympians wearing hats for boobs! Like the bra is the hat and your boobs are their heads.”

So what do we do? I run to get a marker, and we draw faces on my boobs. After much debate, we named them “Jay and Silent Boob”

       

Soo, I was uploading some ads on kijiji today, and I went to upload one in ‘friendship’. I was talking about going to university for my bachelors and then completing my masters in clinical sexology.

And they didn’t allow it. Because of the phrase “Clinical Sexology”.

This is so funny to me. Like I totally get that its because it said sex, and they probably use like automated scanners that look for key phrases. I know it isn’t anything to do with that. It just caught me off guard and was amusing. I was definitely not offering anything to do with sex.

Anyways, so I haven’t posted since Valentines so here is a short update because I’m bored.

1. I am really intensely sore today because I worked out yesterday. Like my whole body aches. It’s a good thing I think, but hot damn it hurts.

2. I have two shifts at work this week, and that’s the first time that has happened since the beginning of the year. Woop woop.

3. I have been the most successful at this months challenge than any of the previous one’s I have attempted. And I made a realization this month that I haven’t before. I will go into detail at the end of the month when I wrap up. 🙂

4. My apartment is completely ripped apart. The insurance guys came last week and tore it up. My bed is currently on the floor of the rec room, but here are some pictures! 🙂

Yaaa, I have no walls or furniture. And see that one doorway with the plastic over it? Well my livingroom is on the other side of that door and it is jam packed with all my shit right now. Including things like my fridge and stove and shit.

By the way, can you even tell which photo is my bathroom right now? The only thing I am looking forward to, is that after this is all put back together, I get to redecorate and paint again! But sleeping in the rec room has not been fun.

Anyways, that’s my life right now!